1. In
Order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.
2. Never
forget a friend, especially those that owe you--Chinese Proverb
3. If
a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman
around to hear him, is he still wrong?
4. Better
to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
5. Everyone
is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
6. Suburbs
are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them.
7. The
50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
8. You
can't have everything, where would you put it?
9. I'd
like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
10. It
may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.
11. Strangers
have the best candy.
12. Humpty-Dumpty
was pushed!
13. Before
you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile
from them, and you'll have their shoes.
14. There
are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
15. My
husband and I divorced over religious reasons. He thought he was G-d and I
didn't!
16. Earth
is the insane Asylum for the universe.
17. Out
of my mind. Back in five minutes.
18. A
clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
19. I
almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met!
20. Borrow
money from pessimists-they don't expect it back!
21. If
at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
22. If
I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
23. I
can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't
look too good either.
24. When
the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way.
25. Keep
smiling - it makes everyone wonder what you're up to.
26. Never
drink water - if it can rust iron, imagine what it can do to your stomach.
27. There's
always a light at the end of the tunnel...just hope it's NOT a train!
28. I'm
not littering... I'm donating to the earth.
29. If
it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
30. If
you dont like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
31. Chaos,
panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.
32. DEAR
IRS, Please cancel my subscription.
33. G-d,
grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had
to kill because they annoyed me.
34. Proofread
carefully to see if you any words out.
35. A
tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.
36. Buy
one for the price of two and get the second one free!
37. Did
you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of
captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and
throw them fish.
38. How
long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
39. If
the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only
left handed people are in their right mind.
40. If
two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
41. If
you blow in a dog's face-he'll get mad at you, but take him for a ride in the
car - the first thing he does is stick his head out of the window!
42. Man
is a peculiar creature. He spends a fortune making his home insect-proof and
air-conditioned, and then eats in the yard.
43. Only
in America do we have drive up ATM's with braile on them.
44. The
only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is
'uncopyrightable'!
45. The
only ones who aren't grateful on Thanksgiving are turkeys.
46. Whoever
said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
47. Education
is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from
not reading it.
48. It
doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature.
49. money
may not buy happiness, but it sure makes misery much easier to live with.
50. Anyone
who says 'Easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried it.
51. ALWAYS
LATE but worth the wait.
52. I'd
have a photographic memory but it was never developed.
53. I'm
actually quite pleasant until I'm awake.
54. If
you're too open-minded your brains will fall out.
55. Ever
stop to think, and forget to start again?
56. If
con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?
57. The
difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care
less.
58. He's
not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.
59. I
think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong
answers
60. I
never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn´t explain
away afterwards.
61. It´s
funny- the ppl. who want quiet are always the loudest getting everyone else to
shut up.
62. Imagine
how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
63. Whoever
said money can´t buy happiness doesn´t know where to shop.
64. The
taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth
it except they keep coming back.*
65. Apparently,
1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so
it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother
Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.*
66. If
it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by candlelight.*
67. Anyone
who wants the presidency enough that he will spend two years organizing and
campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.*
68. Duct
tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the
universe together.
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