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Monday, 15 December 2008
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One Liners
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.Who stopped payment on your reality check?
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mud-pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies."
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way. A little wine, a little dinner, you know?"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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Golf things that sound dirty but aren't
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.
Friday, 05 December 2008
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Graduation, Hospitalization and Barney VS Joey...
I finally have the time to write something in this blog… well, sort of… I’m doing this in between watching TV, preparing a report and thinking about… well, stuff… so let me fill you in on what’s been happening these past few months.
First up… I’ve GRADUATED! Well, technically I haven’t graduated, but everything is completed… hopefully the only thing left is for convocation. Funnily enough, I don’t feel any different than when I wasn’t graduated. Hahaha… I kinda thought I’d feel a lil bit more… Different? Relieved? Relaxed? Somehow, I just don’t. It just doesn’t feel special. Maybe it’s cuz I know that convocation is about a year away. Or maybe it’s cuz I’ve just enrolled myself into a Master’s course a week after completing the degree. Well, to all the friends who I won’t be seeing for a while, its’ been great knowing you… do keep in touch and try to stay out of trouble. I’m gonna miss all of you and then some. To Afnan, Ja, Bon, Anis, Aine, Nita, Peeps, Izzy, Naja, Nad, Una, Faiza, Sha, Shi, Akram, Alya, Syikin and all the others who I can’t seem to remember right at this moment (sorry… it’s like 1.30 in the morning over here).. THANK YOU for getting me thru this very, very, very difficult time of my life… our lives… hahaha… I really don’t think I could have done it without your support. To the family… I wouldn’t be anywhere without you guys. Ok… I might continue this in the next entry; cuz the amount of things running thru my head right now is just crazy.
Secondly, I just got out of the hospital, which is the first time I got admitted in like 15 years… the nurses were nice, the food was bearable but the experience itself was boring. I’ve always found hospitals boring, but actually being the one stuck in bed was stupendously boring. So what did I do to overcome this overwhelming boringness u might ask… I watched sitcoms all day long of course (four days worth of Two And A Half Men, How I Met Your Mother, and The Big Bang Theory)… family and friends made it bearable, though I think I kinda freaked my grandmother out a bit.
So anyways, seeing HIMYM made me think about who would win in a contest for THE BEST CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
o Barney from HIMYM
o Joey from Friends
o Charlie from Two And A Half Men
Of course, after much thought and deliberation, I decided that it would be a head on contest between Barney and Joey cuz Charlie’s in a bit of a rut. So, Ja and I had a lil chat on the subject and this is an excerpt from the conversation:
Ja: it’s a tie btw (in response to my status message: Best Confirmed Bachelor Ever: Joey Vs Barney... Vote NOW!)
Red: well, I think barney pulls ahead by a hair... just cuz he can do magic tricks n wrote the bro code.... trumps Joey’s "how ya doin"
Ja: yeah but Joey can unhook a bra just by looking at it
Ja: that’s gotta count for sumthing
Red: true.... but barney hooked up with a girl in an old guy suit
Ja: she was French… that doesn't count
Red: ok... fine... but having 3 different costumes for Halloweens’ gotta push him over the edge
Red: and, he plays "have u met ted?"
Ja: that’s because he has cool friends
Ja: Joey only has Chandler and Ross
Red: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!... Chandler IS COOL!
Ja: ummm...preeetty sure he's not
Red: dun make me go over there n kill u
Red: and... barney has a cool blog
Ja: that no one reads
Red: lotsa ppl read it... ur just not a true fan
Ja: well I still think it’s’ a tie
Red: ok... tie breaker... 3 coolest things about Joey from u... barney from me
Ja: 1- “how you doin?” 2- popular TV star 3- made out with Rachel
Ja: the 3rd reason should already be more than enuf
Red: 1- Awesomeness 2- wrote the bro code 3- did robin
Ja: robins not hot la dude
Red: she sooooo is.... u need glasses
Ja: even Stella is hotter than robin
Ja: u might wanna check yours instead
Red: Ja... we'll agree to disagree on this
Ja: I already said it was tie
Red: riiighhtttttt
Red: also... he has legen... wait for it..... dairy!
And that’s about the end of the conversation for that night. We did pick it up again the next day when the guys came over to visit, but in the end, we stuck to our guns. Ja still says it’s a tie… I still think Barney’s got a bit of an edge on Joey. Charlie’s a distant third though.
So I guess that will be all for this installment of Red’s Reality Bytes… hopefully, I’ll have some better stuff to write about later on… maybe towards the end of the year. Preview: it’s been a year of ups and downs, lefts and rights, yess and nos, lies and truths… looking forward to it… hahaha…
<<SIGNING OFF!!!>>
BTW, To All Muslim Friends, Selamat Hari Raya Korban…
Monday, 02 June 2008
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Funny Sayings
1. In Order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.
2. Never forget a friend, especially those that owe you--Chinese Proverb
3. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
4. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
5. Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
6. Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them.
7. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
8. You can't have everything, where would you put it?
9. I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
10. It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.
11. Strangers have the best candy.
12. Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
13. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.
14. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
15. My husband and I divorced over religious reasons. He thought he was G-d and I didn't!
16. Earth is the insane Asylum for the universe.
17. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
18. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
19. I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met!
20. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back!
21. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
22. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
23. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look too good either.
24. When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way.
25. Keep smiling - it makes everyone wonder what you're up to.
26. Never drink water - if it can rust iron, imagine what it can do to your stomach.
27. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel...just hope it's NOT a train!
28. I'm not littering... I'm donating to the earth.
29. If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
30. If you dont like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
31. Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.
32. DEAR IRS, Please cancel my subscription.
33. G-d, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me.
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
35. A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.
36. Buy one for the price of two and get the second one free!
37. Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
38. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
39. If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind.
40. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
41. If you blow in a dog's face-he'll get mad at you, but take him for a ride in the car - the first thing he does is stick his head out of the window!
42. Man is a peculiar creature. He spends a fortune making his home insect-proof and air-conditioned, and then eats in the yard.
43. Only in America do we have drive up ATM's with braile on them.
44. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable'!
45. The only ones who aren't grateful on Thanksgiving are turkeys.
46. Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
47. Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.
48. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature.
49. money may not buy happiness, but it sure makes misery much easier to live with.
50. Anyone who says 'Easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried it.
51. ALWAYS LATE but worth the wait.
52. I'd have a photographic memory but it was never developed.
53. I'm actually quite pleasant until I'm awake.
54. If you're too open-minded your brains will fall out.
55. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
56. If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?
57. The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less.
58. He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.
59. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
60. I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn´t explain away afterwards.
61. It´s funny- the ppl. who want quiet are always the loudest getting everyone else to shut up.
62. Imagine how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
63. Whoever said money can´t buy happiness doesn´t know where to shop.
64. The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back.*
65. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.*
66. If it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by candlelight.*
67. Anyone who wants the presidency enough that he will spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.*
68. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. -
Unanswered Questions
Taken off a site:
1. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
2. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
3. Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
4. If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out its nose?
5. If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?
6. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?
7. The "Psychic Friends Network" went out of business... didn't they see it coming?
8. Is it possible for someone to become addicted to therapy? And if so, how would you treat them?
9. Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
12. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
14. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
15. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, is it misspelled?
16. And if it is misspelled, how would we know?
17. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
18. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
19. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
20. Why are the meaning s of a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
21. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
22. If you are dialing from a touch-tone phone, why do you call it 'dialing'?
23. Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
24. If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
25. Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
26. "Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
27. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
28. Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
29. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
30. Can you get cornered in a round room?
31. Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
32. Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
33. Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
34. Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
35. Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear?
36. If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
37. Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
38. Why do you go "back and forth" to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
39. Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been
free?
40. If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
41. You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to
people that work nights?
42. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
43. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
44. How is it possible to have a civil war?
45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
46. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?
47. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
48. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
49. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
50. Why on Earth, with over 3/4 of our planet covered by water, don't we call it 'ocean'?
51. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
52. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
53. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
54. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can it be wise to: "Quit while you're ahead"?
55. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
56. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
57. Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
58. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while delivering the mail?
59. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
60. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
61. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
62. What's another word for Thesaurus?
63. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
64. Why is it that when we’re transporting stuff on a car it’s called a SHIPment, but if we’re transporting stuff on a ship it’s called CARgo?
65. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?*
66. If two wrongs don't make a right, then how come two negatives make a
positive?
Test Picture...
redz85
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- Name: Red
- Country: Malaysia
- Metro: Kuala Lumpur
- Gender: Male
- Member Since: 2/11/2004
